October 11, 2002

GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE

bigtips

Why would a gay man fantasize about women?

by M.T. 'the Big Tipper' Martone

Dear Big Tipper,

I am a happily out and proud gay man. I've been out since college to myself, my friends, and my family, and I'm currently dating a few nice guys on and off. I feel very contented with my life.

I have lots of women friends and have always had them, but until recent developments, I've never thought about having sex with them. I've never even slept with a woman at all, but within the past year, I've started having sexual fantasies about them; women I know, women I just see on the street, women on TV.

It's weird, because I've never had this happen before. It doesn't seem to put a cramp in my fantasies about men or my enjoyment of sex with them at all, but it's a little disconcerting, because I

don't want to be straight or bisexual, and I don't think I am,

but I'm not sure what to think about this.

Dear Big Tipper,

You must tell me that I am right. If one person is online and on the phone most of the time, and then the other person comes home and needs to check their e-mail or make a quick call, shouldn't the first person cede to the other person?

My girlfriend subscribes to the “I was here first" school of phone access. She has actually been known to stare at me while I check my e-mail for five minutes, and ask me how long I'm going to be, after she's been online all day.

BIG TIPS

Of course, "whatever gets you off is a good thing" fantasy-wise has always been my philosophy, so in a way I don't care, but really, what the hell is going on?

Dear Major Nelson,

I Dream of Jeannie

Good personal philosophy on the fantasies, if you ask me. For the time being, that space between your ears is a good place for keeping stuff that is private, and that doesn't necessarily have to play itself out in the real world. Of course, when things start showing up more and more frequently, it makes sense to ask yourself what's up with that.

In a world in which our professed identities are so heavily freighted with defining our friendship circles, the way we present ourselves, even the neighborhoods where we live and the jobs we're comfortable with, it can be hard to entertain mixing it up a little just for laughs. It takes energy and commitment to come out, and you don't want people thinking that you didn't know what you were doing.

On the other hand, you came out because you felt it was important to be honest about who you are. And apparently you're a complicated, sexually evolving kind of guy. Congratulations!

Now, let me preface this by saying that I'm not one of those "everyone is really bisexual" types. That said, it makes sense that you're curious about something you haven't done.

Maybe you need to have sex with a gal or two. Just remember, sex with girls is different from sex with boys. Most pointedly, they can get pregnant. Put all that good safer sex · information to use and snap one on before you stick it in. And if you're just messing around to see what it's like, find yourself a girl who's looking for the same level of commitment. It's rude to find yourself at someone else's expense.

Of course, maybe your biological clock is ticking. Just kidding, but then maybe I'm not. Does any part of you want kids? (Like the part in your pants?) There are lots of ways to consciously build a family, so if you think this might actually be going on, get your fanny to the library or a support group.

I say that's rude. She simply says she was there first, and that I need to wait until she's at a breaking point in her activity. Who's right? I know it's me.

She's Hanging on the Telephone

Dear Auditory Territory

Hmm. You don't seem to be in a real negotiating mood, so maybe she's just digging in her heels out of reciprocal stubbornness. If you rush in the house at the end of the day and demand immediate access to the computer or phone, even if she's been on it all day, it might hurt that you're not giving her a smooch and checking in first.

Some people need some transition time, or a signal that they need to "share their toys." When you get home, check in with her and say you want to check your e-mail within the next ten or fifteen minutes. That gives her time to close out what she's working on.

That said, she needs to let you have that access, no staring allowed.

Dear Big Tipper,

I have been interested in nipple clamps for a long time, and I finally talked my girlfriend into trying out some clothespins on me. Oh my God, they hurt so bad. Why are people so into this? I can't believe how bad it was. Holy Cow!

Dear Udderly Pained,

Sweetie, that's why they sell nipple clamps. Clothespins can be the right thing for some people, but they're pretty damned tight, and aren't adjustable in any way.

Nipple clamps come in all sorts of sizes and weights, and many of them have a way to be tightened or loosened for the right level of pleasure or pain, not just a random, laundrysupporting level of intensity.

You can also grab your nipple in different ways. If you come at your nipple straight from the front, you can get a crush-y thing going on that you can avoid by pinching your nipple, pulling it out a little, and grabbing the flesh right behind the very tip of your nip, sort of sideways.

If you've been wanting this for a long time, don't give up. Just get the right equipment. Check out Blowfish (http:// www.blowfish.com/) for a wide variety of clamps and more, and a very nice relaxed company vibe (so to speak). Many cities also have local "toy" stores that cater to the GLBT community; see “Adult Books and Gifts" in the resource directory in back of this paper.

Send questions to the Chronicle, attention online at www.bigtipsonline.com, e-mail to Big Tips, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland 44101, martone@drizzle.com or fax to 216631-1052, etch chai

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CLEVELANDİ STONEWALL DEMOCRATS

www.clevelandstonewalldemocrats.org 2002 VOTER GUIDE

Use this ballot as a guide in the polling booth!

TIM HAGAN / CHARLETA TAVARES Governor / Lieutenant Governor

LEIGH HERINGTON

Attorney General HELEN KNIPE SMITH

Auditor of State BRYAN FLANNERY Secretary of State MARY O. BOYLE Treasurer of State

TIM BLACK Ohio Supreme Court (1/1/03) JANET BURNSIDE Ohio Supreme Court (1/2/03) DENNIS KUCINICH US. Congress District 10 STEPHANIE TUBBS JONES U.S. Congress District 11 SHERROD BROWN U.S. Congress District 13 DAN BRADY

State Senator District 23 ERIC FINGERHUT State Senator District 25 ED JERSE

State Representative District 7 CLAUDETTE J. WOODARD State Representative District 9 SHIRLEY SMITH State Representative District 10 ANNIE L. KEY

State Representative District 11 MICHAEL SKINDELL State Representative District 13 DALE MILLER

State Representative District 14 JIMMY DIMORA Cuyahoga County Commissioner (1/1/03) PETER LAWSON JONES Cuyahoga County Commissioner (1/2/03) FRANK RUSSO Cuyahoga County Auditor SEAN GALLAGHER Court of Appeals 8th District (2/9/03) THOMAS J. POKORNY Court of Appeals 8th District (2/10/03) PATRICIA ANN BLACKMON Court of Appeals 8th District (2/11/03) MICHAEL J. RUSSO Court of Common Pleas (1/1/03) NANCY A. FUERST Court of Common Pleas (1/2/03) MARY J. BOYLE Court of Common Pleas (1/3/03) NANCY MARGARET RUSSO Court of Common Pleas (1/7/03) TIMOTHY M. FLANAGAN Court of Common Pleas Dom. Relations (1/8/03) ISSUE 4: YES Mayoral Governance of Cleveland Municipal School District

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